Conflicted

Something that we are allowed to do now is send Samuel a care package... but just because we can doesn't mean we will or even should.  I'm so conflicted about it.

At the very least, I'd like to send a photo album so he can see who we are and get used to our faces.  But the rumor mill says that he would only get it right before we get there - kind of for show, I guess.  And that would totally defeat the purpose.

The other thing I'd like to send is an SD card or something so that we could get pictures... but even that seems like a lot to ask from nannies who are potentially caring for hundreds of children.  Do I want them focusing on taking pictures, or focusing on making sure no one is falling on their heads?

One option is to send a cake.  Then the orphanage has to take a picture of our child with the cake to prove he got it and ate it... but if there are hundreds of children, who gets to eat it?  That makes me sad just thinking about that.

REALLY, HONESTLY, I want a picture, and I want Samuel to know what I look like... but even that part makes me hesitant.  The three children I have in my home cry because Sammy isn't coming home yet.  How much worse would it be for him if he could some how understand that we are coming to get him but have no concept of time and have to wait day after day.  Would it add to his wounds?  Would it add to his mistrust and abandonment?  Isn't it better for him to not know we even exist until right before we come?

It would be great if the nannies could start calling him Sammy to help with the transition.  It would be wonderful in theory if he knew my face when I came to get him so he knows I'm his Mama.  But in reality, I just don't know.

At the same time, isn't it our responsibility to provide for him?  How can we not send him things, make sure he has clothes and feels loved...

But how much worse would it be for the other children, in the slim chance that Samuel even gets the things we send at the time we send them?  How would they feel if he has a soft blanket and they don't or if he has a picture of his mom and they don't?

Every day I wonder what he looks like - it bothers me that I don't know what my own child looks like anymore.  Will I even recognize him when I see him in person?  What if I'm shocked and wonder if we got the right one?  Will I just know that he is Sammy?

So much in my head right now....  So much in my heart....

Lord, I trust You to just take care of Samuel.  Lead us to the right answers.  Give us wisdom in these unchartered territories.  And if You see fit, please let us see his face again soon in an updated picture.
Amen.