When the answer is "No" to the question "Do you think you can handle this?"

We've been home 5 days.

Since we started to get to know Ian in China, Phil and I realized very quickly that there was more going on health-wise than we had been told.  More on that later.

We've seen the dentist, the pediatrician, the chiropractor, and the eye doctor.

And now we have a growing list of referrals to the pediatric dentist, eye institute, genetics, neurology/neurosurgery, cranio-facial, and ENT.

I was asked recently, "You now have three children with special needs.  Do you think you can handle that?"

I'd be a fool to answer that question confident in myself.  No.  People, the answer is "NO!"  This is not about God giving me what I can handle.  I had to learn that lesson when we adopted Sammy.  My world was rocked to the core and I was broken with PADS and PTSD.  I remember the moment, even where I was sitting, in the hospital with Sammy deeply sedated (after a very serious post-surgical wound infection) and needing the ventilator 100% for his breathing, his reader board of stats getting more outrageous by the hour.  The common "God will not give you more than you can handle" came across my laptop screen.  And I was angry.  THIS IS MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE, GOD!  My pastor came for a visit and I remember walking down to the very end of the hallway with him.  We talked about this very thing and that was when I learned that "truth" isn't even IN THE BIBLE!  HAHAHA!  Shame on me.

But that moment was the beginning of what would become a freedom greater than I've ever experienced before.

My answer to the question "do you think you can handle that?" is "well, clearly God thinks HE can handle it."  And I have peace for today.  Because of that TRUTH.

Where I struggle is with giving myself reaction time and freedom to feel disappointment or sadness in the moment.  I want to jump right away to the feelings that come with knowing the TRUTH that God is going to continue to be in charge and in control and I can rest in that.  When, in fact, I am human and need to remember that my body is going to have the need for a human emotional release the way God created me to work.  If I completely trust God's decision and think His sovereignty is by far the best place to put my trust, then why would I feel sadness.  Why would I feel a heaviness as we hear words like uncorrectable and neuro-consult?

I'm not sure yet - I'm still working through the whys... But in the last little while, I'm realizing that I must take the time to give myself the freedom of the emotional response and not believe that if I'm sad or disappointed that it's related to my faith or trust in God's abilities.  A while back, I listened to my dad preach a sermon during which he made the point about worrying about the future and acting like an atheist!  When I worry about what's coming and how I'm going to respond and feel and get through it, do I remember to picture myself there with Jesus?  Do I remember that His mercies are new every morning and that He gives me a special measure of grace for each day?


So, here's where I'm at in my thinking:
Was this decision a good one?  God was in the past and clearly He thought He could handle this.  Therefore, yes.  Because of Him, yes!

Will I be able to handle what is coming?  God is in the future and clearly He thinks He will be able to handle this using me as an instrument.  Therefore, yes.  Because of Him, yes!

How should I feel right now knowing the above two statements to be true?  God is in the present and clearly handling what we're going through.  He is a relational God and loves me and is with me presently.  As I process all that is going on with each of our children and our family as a whole, all that Ian has been through in his life and consider what is still yet to come, I can take all of this to my Savior as my Friend.  I can consider how Mary and Martha visited Jesus as His friends.  I'll be like Mary and eagerly be near Him to feel His comfort.  I'll put my head in His lap and cry as I need to.  Not because I'm disappointed with Him or with Ian.  But because He created me to cry as a way to respond to situations in order to help my brain process them and that is okay presently.  Therefore, I should feel free.  Because of Him, free!

I'm disappointed that Ian did not receive medical attention when he needed it.  I'm sad that because he has lived for so long with unaddressed conditions that they will be very difficult to reverse if at all.  I feel a lot of peace about why we did not have any of this health information when we agreed to Ian's adoption.  We would have been overwhelmed with medical info given the fact that we were just newly home with Jemma and trying to get a grasp on her puzzle.  At the same time, it is frustrating that after being with Ian for just a matter of days, we were able to see very clearly that there were significant issues and the orphanage was able to turn a blind eye to all of this for 13 years.

I'm overjoyed to have my son in my home and to be getting to know him.  I'm enjoying our google translate conversations.  I love that I once again am in the middle school realm - middle schoolers have my heart and it is good to see that love hasn't faded.  (I used to teach 7th and 8th grade and specialized in middle school in my education degree.)  I am tickled to see my child's personality for myself after hearing about him from others for months.

Writing all this out is so helpful for me.  Getting the thoughts out and journaling like this is part of the process, I think.  And if it wasn't clear from my thoughts in writing above, I am fully confident that God has us where He wants us and loves us and that He expects us to stay close to Him.  :)

And because it takes my breath away, here's a picture of Ian as a baby: