Doubts??

Dear Lord,

I need to teach Sunday School this morning - the lesson is on Ezra, Nehemiah, and Malachi - the point being that the chosen people were rebuilding their lives, their nation, and their walls, all while going through a "re-covenant" time with You.  The lesson talks about how during major changes to the people's lives, they went through a re-commitment to You (before they entered the Promised Land, when they wanted a king, and after the were captives in Babylon and were rebuilding their city).  This re-commitment was a reading of the laws and realizing that they fell short and nothing they could do on their own would fix their problem... sin.  It was a time of remembrance that You are the Saving One.  Only You can rescue us.

Is adopting these two girls a major change - a major life change - that You are bringing us through as a time of "re-covenant"?  Because Phil and I never envisioned our lives caring for a child with brain damage.  Have You thought otherwise?  Will You make our marriage stronger through that?  What would we do for school?  Would we still home school?  How can I home school with a special needs child?  I think about these things and wonder if You brought the girls into our lives this weekend to awaken our hearts but are helping me emotionally understand if come Tuesday, the girls are already matched with another family.  Why else would I have all these concerns?  I look at them and instantly fall in love all over again.  I throw caution to the wind and say, who cares - these girls need a mom and a dad and we'll figure it out as we go!  But then there's this other part of me that wonders 'how' we're going to do... what is life going to be like?  Do I really have it in me - to do what it takes - to be a mother to a child with hydrocephalus?

But as soon as I ask that question, I am right back to desperately wanting to go hold them with Phil - I envision us bringing them home on the airplane.  Boy, our hands would be full.

I need to pour out my heart this morning so that I can go and share Your Word this morning to the little ones at church.  That's another thing???  I feel this tugging to wrap up the ministry at church so I can pour myself into the ministry at home.

For the morning, Lord, please free my mind and heart of any distractions that take me away from what I should be thinking about.  If I have the opportunity to listen to the sermon this morning, and to worship in song, please help me to focus on learning more about You and Your word instead of consuming myself with the emotions wrapped up in the anticipation of finding out if these girls are available for adoption.

Thank You, Lord, for hearing me and loving me and being gracious with me as I skittle about this weekend wondering what You are doing.

Amen.


**After Church**

Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness.   My mind did not wander and the lesson was smooth and coherent.  Phil told me this morning that if we can't move forward with the two girls that it doesn't mean the door is closed.  Lord, You have grown our hearts in such a miraculous way.  Phil wanted me to know that he doesn't feel like it has to be these two girls or we aren't adopting.  God, are you preparing me for Tuesday?  I'm not afraid of disappointment.  I truly know You have what's best for us.  But I also know you are a gracious God and I wonder if You are helping my heart to be ready for either answer instead of being so set on this being a yes.  Thank you, God, either way, for what you've done between Phil and me.  Every child is a representation of a new depth of love Phil and I have for each other and this is no different.  Thank you for such an amazing husband.

Help us to rest in Your peace today and tomorrow as we wait to hear back from the agency about the twins.

Amen.