I think it will be easier to pray in this manner - It's easier to slow my thoughts and stay on track. My mind is going a million miles a minute and my heart is gone. I did sleep, and thank you for that. I am not sure how soon I finally fell asleep but I know I had good dreams all night until I woke up at 6am and now, I feel just too excited to go back to sleep. I thought about biking or exercising, but I don't want to wake anyone else.
I am so thankful for the children I have already and I don't expect this process to be smooth as pie, but as I said last night, You will have to move Heaven and Earth to bring these two little ones to us. You are the God who can do the impossible. Even though my dreams were wonderful last night, now I feel as though I'm trying to envision the phone conversation when we find out that the girls are already "on hold" for another family. Help me not to jump ahead. I want to live right now.
Maybe this is kind of like "trying to get pregnant" and each month that we try, our hearts get bigger and more ready for the one that You have for us... and we enjoy the anticipation of pregnancy tests. Help me to enjoy the anticipation of this also. If fear and doubt creep in, Lord, help me to refocus my gaze on You alone and know Your peace.
It would be hard to wait for these little ones. Harder than pregnancy in the sense that I can't carry them for 9 months in my body. But sometime through the night, it dawned on me... if it is even possible to have our dossier in China in 6 months, it might be possible for us to have these girls home with us this calendar year yet... and maybe even before their 2nd birthday.
God, would you do that? You know I've said a couple times that it would be nice to save Lily's major medical payments for the same year that we have other medical expenses for an adopted child. I know and have always known that our money is really Yours and we just let you move it around as You want. I have no idea how You would provide for these two adoptions and all the medical needs this year, but Lord, I do know that You care about the details... even the ones about having a deductible met for the year and being able to get other expensive medical treatment at a reduced cost.
Hydrocephalus. All this time, I've been concerned about an issue with the brain. But this is truly like having my own child - our own child. I heard it in Phil's voice, too. He said last night that he wondered what her life would be like as she grows and gets bigger but he rapidly followed it up by - not that that changes anything. Wow, God. Wow. Neither one of us would have chosen hydrocephalus, but here we are anxious to choose her. God, if You want, please let them be ours. I know by Your strength and love, we could do anything... including raise a child that has special needs. And raise 4 other children who have needs of their own and need us to be able to give them our love and attention.
Phil said a while back that he wasn't ready for more children. He wanted to work on being the best dad to the ones he has. I've seen such a difference in both of us. You are changing us. I praise You for being forgiving. We have made so many mistakes. And that's how I know we don't "earn" kids, we are given them as a gift... on loan...
Something that strikes me is that even though You are all-knowing, and all-powerful, You don't seem "bored". It's amazing to me that the One who knows it all, planned it all, still has emotions. You are not a dull god. Truly, the only way You could have emotions towards Your creation is that You are a loving God. I am so humbled. I am only one person in the grand scheme of history, and yet, I can speak directly to You and have a personal relationship with You.
I think the theme this year is going to revolve around Ephesians 3... Thank you for Paul's ministry - for saving him so he could spread the Gospel to the Gentiles. Thank you for bringing him through the suffering he went through.
And now I want to pray to you similarly -
I come before you and my mind heart and soul falls before You, dearest and gracious Heavenly Father - You who thought the family structure into existence, who created the union and act of marriage to be a mirror of the love you have for Your bride, the Church. You created the parental relationship so we could begin to grasp the meaning of unconditional love. And the plan for families to work together and love wholly, showing each other grace. Everything on this Earth is Yours, Father God. For the Creator owns it all and has rights to it all. I truly believe that You can and will strengthen me by using Your power to grow our family in a miraculous way. I see Your grace. I know Your power. Lord, help me have faith, remembering all that I just wrote - all that I know about You. That we are but a vapor in this life and yet You sent Your son to die for me because You love me. Setting aside, the whole world, You, Jesus, still would have died for just me and given me Your righteousness. Help me to remember that as You are living in me, the Power of Your Spirit is great and I just need to trust You to work. Father, I pray, as you united Phil and me in love before You on our wedding day, that You would again grow that love that can be seen in a tangible way through the growth of our family. It will not be possible to go this route alone. Thank You for the Body of Christ - the Church - and how You will have us work together. May the miracles of Z. and C. coming to live with us be a representation to all who see of how Your love is more than anyone can even fathom... how it spreads across to every corner of the Earth - that it knows no height and no depth. Let others come to a saving knowledge of Your grace. Oh Father, Your love goes beyond all comprehension. You fill my heart to overflowing!
So, God, I know that whatever I could ask, You do above and beyond my wildest dreams. Right now, my dreams and hopes are pretty wild. Would it please You for C. and Z. to come to be our children? In Your power, will You make that happen? Ultimately, we want you to be glorified. Is it possible that You would be most glorified in the adoption of twin girls from China? How their lives and this story would be a testament to your grace and love and provision for generations to come! But mostly, dearest Father, let C. and Z., no matter who is their mom and dad, come to understand Your eternal provision for them - that through Jesus, they can have a personal relationship with You - a perfect God - even though they are sinners, they can know true forgiveness and Love.
Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in you inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment