Feeling a little blue

It's so weird...

Last week, I was pumped up -

I told Phil, now all our paperwork is done!  On Monday, it arrives at our agency and will get sent to Immigration and then it's go-time... we just sit back and watch God work it out.

But today, our social worker emailed the 3rd section of the adoption manual.  Oh.  So, we don't just sit back and watch?  Sigh.  I know every adoptive family hates the waiting, but I was kind of looking forward to it.  I know - what a horrible thing to say - especially if anyone reading this has adopted.  But, I feel like there's so much for me to learn and understand before we get Sammy, that I was looking forward to the long wait to learn and understand... you know, kind of figure out how to be a mom and feel like I'm prepared.  HA!

I feel like there is so much I don't truly understand about this next section of paperwork.  Like - it looks to me that we've already done all of it - but now they use all sorts of intensity when referring to who signs what and how it's authenticated and what is authentication even mean?  I know I sent nearly every document that the manual is asking for to our agency already but now are they going to just send it back to me to "authenticate it"???

I think I'm writing to try and figure out why I feel blue - and I think I just figured it out.  I feel like I did ALL THIS WORK and now it wasn't right the first time.  Well it was right for the first time, but now we are taking the paperwork up a level of importance so I have to do more to it, but I wish I had known that the first time so I could have just covered all my bases.

I really think I don't understand.  I hate not understanding.  There is SOOOOO much to this process - it's like learning a new language and I feel a little overwhelmed today.  Like it says we need 3 references.  We got 6 references 3 months ago... I wish I had known about this so I could have had 3 of them write the ACTUAL letters that were supposed to go in our dossier instead of filling out lame-o forms for us.  Now, am I supposed to go back and ask them to write up new letters?

I don't actually have a bad attitude about this.  Just feeling a little defeated.  Like I'm running this race and thought I was almost to the point of coasting.......

but I'm not.

The other thing is I was so ready to just put the whole thing in God's hands and let it be His and happen in His timing.  Now I feel like the pressures back on me to get it right, do it fast, understand everything so I don't make a mistake and botch up the process.

I'm not complaining - just saying that I was ready to move to the waiting phase so I could just let God work it out.  I'm not saying He isn't doing that, or can't do that simultaneously to me having to do more paperwork.  I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Sigh.

I hate that we are going through this amazing process and God is CLEARLY working out all the details and I feel... blue...

And, I think it's going to come across as lazy.  Like, okay I did my part and now I can take it easy for 9 more months and then just get a son.

I feel annoyed with myself for not being excited.  I feel frustrated for not knowing more.  I feel out of the loop.

I have a huge basket of laundry and a dishwasher to unload so I think nows a good time to go spend some time talking with God - getting back to where I know He wants me to be.