The last 48 hours have been hard...
I TRULY know and believe that God has the moment that we meet Sammy pre-ordained. I believe that God CREATED Samuel to always be in our family. He was born in a different country. I'm not totally sure of all the reasons why God didn't have him born directly into our family, but I know we will see more and more as we continue on this journey to get him and with him in our family. I know that God has everything already planned out, down to the tiniest detail.
So why then will my stomach not unwind from all the knots? My spirit is saying that God is totally trustworthy. I would prefer not to be in control of all of this. I'm totally happy with the fact that the God who is able to create life - to help us put pen to paper and apply to adopt - to keep us from making mistakes along the way - to show us our son without us having to make the "choice" of a child - to orchestrate a stuffed animal getting from one side of the world into the arms of our little boy - He is the same God who will arrange our flights, has scheduled the first moment we lay eyes on our child, and protect our children while we are out of the country.
Yet the moment I even start to think about the CA confirmation coming, the anxiousness returns.
Here is what I believe about getting one's hopes up:
It is very often said, "I don't want to get my hopes up in case I'm disappointed." A few years ago, I decided I'm not going to live like that anymore. I am going to get my hopes up and enjoy the days of hoping because it's way more fun than pretending my hopes aren't up and dreading disappointment. If I'm going to be disappointed, it will happen either way. So I decided that for me, having joy in the journey is about hoping and sharing that hope with the Lord to build my relationship with Him. Otherwise, I'm lying to myself and to Him as if He can't already know my heart's desire.
Months before we decided to adopt, God burst my heart wide open to the concept of international adoption. But my husband was not at all interested. This was such a strange time for us. We started dating as kids. I was 15 years old. Ever since then, we have been inseparable. We do everything together. Often times, it's easy to forget that we aren't actually one person, one mind, because we basically grew up into adulthood together and often have the same thoughts. So, it was very weird to be in two totally different places. Our belief for our marriage regarding growing our family is such that we both know it just isn't the right time to have a baby if we aren't both on the same page. And once we are on that same page, we still pray and ask the Lord to guide us in that decision.
I prayed and prayed to the Lord about the adoption. I didn't understand why He'd given me the desire and not Phil. I didn't understand His timing, but one thing I knew. He would either change Phil's heart or He would change mine. And really, I not only believed that God would change Phil's, but I thought that it would be sooner rather than later. And He did. In the most miraculous and transforming way, God opened Phil's heart right before my eyes. It was one of the most amazing moments I've witnessed.
Anyway, backing up to that heart wrenching time when God was growing my desire apart from my husband's, I realized that I could just decide to treasure that time - just me and the Lord having ourselves a little fun - hoping. I created a secret pinterest board called Joy in the Journey. It is where I put special things that I enjoyed to look at or think about.
All that to say, I've come back to that point today. Reminding myself that it is okay to be honest with the Lord about my hope. If I don't just tell Him, it is my own sin and foolishness because He knows my heart anyway and I'm trying to hide it for no good reason. Throughout life, I have found myself crying out to God in humble brokenness because He did something so good for me that I didn't even have the guts to ask of Him. I didn't want to bother Him. Or I couldn't honestly tell Him it was what I was hoping for because I didn't want to ug... dare I say it?... jinx it? Last week, I told our adult sunday school class that we most likely would not hear about our travel approval until after the China holiday. A friend said that I didn't know the power of prayer in that class then. I said that it was okay for her to pray for that kind of miracle but I couldn't bring myself to be that bold. To ask for a 2 day turn around on our travel approval.
And yet, I secretly hoped. I even had a feeling that if our TA was granted, we'd get word within a few days. And we did. HOW FOOLISH CAN I BE? How brazen and disrespectful to say I can't dare be honest with God about what might be too much effort on His part. HE MADE THE ENTIRE WORLD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! And I couldn't trouble Him to tell Him my hope for a document? I want to step outside of myself and shake me! HAHAHA!
So here I am again. Its that unsettled feeling. That temptation of wanting to fall back into not troubling God too much. Or not even just being honest about how I feel knowing that I'm totally okay with His plan over my own. It's not contradictory to be totally okay with His Will and also have an idea of what I'd like to happen. If I had to pick an option, God's Will unbeknownst to me or my own, I'd pick His hands down. When you're talking about choosing the Will of the father who put the world into existence, brought me to life, created a way for me to be saved out of sin, and has every hair on my head counted and every star in the sky named, I'd rather put my will into His all-knowing one.
So, because I need the deliberate thought here and the written reminder, I'm going to write out my prayer.
Dear Lord,
You are so mighty and powerful and big and awesome and you care about one insignificant person in the world in all of history - me. I don't understand the vastness of your love. I am undeserving and have failed in the last week yet again at remembering how safe it is to put my whole hope in You - the One who has loved me from the beginning of time and has welcomed me into a relationship with You for all of eternity.
My heart's desire is to get on a plane this week. I'm afraid You will say no. I know that Your plan is better than mine and if You do say no, not this week, it is for some very good reasons. But Lord, I feel like You preformed a miracle last week in getting us such a fast travel approval. And I think that You did that for a few reasons - to show your glory, to teach me a lesson, to bring Sammy home sooner, to wrap us in your love, to remind us of your power and control, to give us some extra time to prepare because of the holiday for what otherwise would have been a very short preparation period. I also feel that you did that because You want Sammy to come home fast, too.
When we started this process, I remember asking our first social worker in March about the timeline for the adoption. She said there was no possibility that it would be completed before the end of the year. I just didn't get that impression from You. Despite what she said, I told people I thought we'd be home before Christmas. That is what I prayed for. Then Phoebe started praying that Sammy would be home for her birthday. As the time got closer and closer, it looked as if You were not only speeding things into this year and before Christmas but maybe even before Phoebe's birthday.
I desire Your timing above anything. I'm glad You know my heart. You've grown its size to welcome this little boy as my very own child - as my own flesh and blood. I gladly look forward to seeing my name on his birth certificate. Please help me to get to him soon. And if it pleases You and matches with Your time, may I go to China this week?
I love you with all my heart. You are the One I trust. Please watch over Sammy as he travels to the capital to meet us. Please prepare all of our hearts to be joined. Preform a miracle in each of us so that we are bonded for life and know that You have ordained this from the beginning.
Amen.
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