Emotional

It's interesting what kinds of things make me emotional.  Most of the paperwork we just have taken it as it comes and get it out the door as soon as we can.  This week, it's been a lot of medical stuff.  I am calling doctors and requesting this and that for everyone in the family.  Today, I went and picked up the kids forms from the doctor's office that we had to have filled out by their ped.  I opened the packet and read through.  A lump in my throat formed.  I had no idea why.

It's a strange feeling.  It's like seeing life flash before your eyes.  Here I am sitting in the car looking through my kids medical sheets and every single box is checked indicating healthy.  I'm not sad, it's just emotional.

Then I've been getting letters from my doctors explaining things like Synthroid and hypothyroidism and that I am fit to be a mother.  I have letters explaining postpartum depression and anti-depressants and that I handled that situation responsibly...  I'm glad my doctors can stand behind me 100%, but it is a very strange thing to have to prove that I am a fit mother.

Periodically, I think for a brief moment that the postpartum depression will always be a mark against me.  But then I quickly remember how much good has come of it.

Phil and I were talking the other day.  Because we have now gone through the ppd - a very real mental health illness caused by chemical/hormonal imbalances - we understand what we're learning regarding the mental health of our adopted child.  At this point, with everything we are learning about institutionalization and the LAUNDRY LIST of problems that can come with that, malnutrition, abuse, prenatal issues like drugs and alcohol, etc... it makes a lot of sense why God allowed us to navigate through postpartum depression.  And, to be honest, even though that was the hardest time of my life, I am really, truly grateful.  Don't get me wrong - I'm SOOO glad to be over it and never want to go back there.  But, what a gift from God - to be able to possibly have some insight into what our child could be feeling/thinking!

It's such a weird way to think... being thankful for the most painful thing I've ever gone through???  It seems crazy!  But as a mother, you desperately want to be there for your kids when they are suffering.  And it is VERY possible that we will be dealing with things like grief, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. in our child's heart and through his/her actions when we get home.  We get it.  We can't change their past, but we can use our past to understand how they feel.

Anyway, all this to say, it's been an emotional week.  I am thankful that we have had healthy children.  And I am fully confident that God will help us deal with the health and emotional and mental issues that come after we adopt.  He has a great track record!